Chrisolearyart

 Creativity started when I was very young.  I was around 6 or 7 and wasn't allowed to play with dolls because of this damned BOY body I'm wearing ... .I look back at it being a time of owning my defiance because I started making my own dolls out of broken shoelaces.  I started calling them String People even though they were all girls.  I remember them being this outlet, allowing me this freedom of being feminine.  Something I will continuously be taught to be wrong.  

Looking back now It seemed like that defiant child lost that spark along the way of development.  Could it be I grew up in the 70s and 80s with repeatedly hearing dont be gay, don't be a homo, don't be a faggot.  Oh yeah…this gay disease coming out of nowhere and as a child I was referred to as having AIDS because I was feminine.  I look back at that kid and my teen self and how more and more I retreated and withdrew from people.  I hate that my childhood self didn't stand a chance.  I was absolutely alone.

1991 I forced myself to go to art school in NYC.  FIT gave me this feeling of empowerment I had not felt since I was that small child playing with shoelaces.  My studies were more contemporary but it was the era of supermodels and fashion and music and art were exciting.  I started reacquainting myself… well…with myself again.  Because I felt like I could.  It was almost like I was developmentally behind everyone else because I was really starting over…from scratch on a social level.  Can I reveal myself to people?  My confidence was emerging slowly and I started to like me again.

Since the string people, I always would draw.  But they were always these cartoon-like figures with big hair and Garfield eyes usually dressed in lingerie.  Remember when I said it was the 80s?  Well back then MTV was plagued with showing heavy metal videos.  I wasn't a fan of the music, but I loved the girls in the videos.  They always looked so empowered in my eyes.  I didn't really know at the time but I wanted to be them!  1995 is when I started painting these fierce looking women at the suggestion of a coworker at the time.  It was then that they really started to develop.  I was very influenced by fashion and beauty photography from Vogue, harpers Bazaar, Interview etc and I wanted to recreate that same feel. As if the painting would communicate with me and assist in creating her look on the canvas like she is introducing herself to me.  Directing me as I compose her.  It wasn't until years into it that I realized each of these pieces are a facet of myself.  An invasive closeup self portrait that can be there to intimidate my audience.  Challenge my viewer.  Because I could not. 

I can now recognize that each piece I paint is an alter ego I needed to survive. A lesson for me to learn. Confidants who have held my secrets and most important, I see them as the best friends.

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